Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Despite the rather dramatic title and referance to tuesdays link with the god of war 'Mars' im actually in a rather indifferent mood today, ive learnt that when you want something life will engulf you with the opposite (the whole ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife dilemma) ive also come to realise that the last time i was single i never wrote or blogged about men or boys at all just about me and random rants yet now everything i do or say seems to have some underlying insult to men, i have no idea why this is! maybe because ive not been single for long and last time i didnt start writing until a good half a year after i became single or maybe i was just never really sober enough last time to actually care. who knows! It just seems right now that when all i want is a decent guy who actually likes me i actually have ended up with a handful of guys who only want one thing and who i can barely have a conversation with for longer than 5 min before getting bored. (as i wrote this ive realised that the last time i was single this didnt bother me as i didnt see that guys only wanted one thing which is probably why it bothers me now, ignorance is bliss?)
Ignorance is bliss? it really is in so many ways, adam and eve had the garden of eden and lived in perfect happiness until they ate from the tree of knowledge so in hindsite their ignorance was bliss - the first story of a really really old book and we still havent learnt our lesson.
Id like to be all like ''ah fuck it just have fun and live your life'' but id like to think my maturity hasnt made me boring just more aware of both my actions and others actions. Growing up has absolutely sucked! Living back with my mum after 6 years of having my own space is a killer, especially since her neighbours are so loud i often feel like im sharing a two bed house with about 20 people. At least starting work on Monday is gonna give me time to get away from everyone...well.. not really... ill be surounded by people. 'L'enfer, c'est les autres' - a very famous quote by Jean-Paul Sartre, and im totally feeling it at the moment.

Truth is, as much as i try to care a little less and ignore my constant need to not be single and to be loved - i dont think i can. Ive learnt to quickly hate those who make me smile because  i have already pre-empted that if they can make me happy they can also make me unhappy.

'Its easy to daydream and get carried away with the idea of perfection but it IS only an idea'

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